End of the Year Ramblings

Where to begin?

I haven’t written about anything that’s happened for too long. I’ve probably been MIA from my own journal for a year or so, okay, fine at least half a year. Sometime during 2012, I stopped turning my thoughts and emotions into words. I suppose this implies that I’m not an emotional wreck anymore.  At least, I’m more stable than I used to be, Alhamdulillah. My emotions aren’t much of a rollercoaster ride either, and that’s because I made a much-needed internal change. I made an effort to return to Allah SWT and THAT has made all the difference in the world.

Obviously, I’m not the person I used to be. And I slowly begin to see the pieces of my life falling into place, like a clouded up picture that’s beginning to clear. I won’t say I’m in a position to see it completely, but I perceive the shape it’s likely to take on at the end, Inshaa Allah. When I started my blog, and wrote that first post talking about how it was going to be a story where red sneakers changed my life, albeit a story that took place mostly in my head, I didn’t realize how right I was. My life has changed dramatically since red sneakers walked into (and almost immediately, out of) it, and for the most it's been on the inside. It’s probably only my family that’s been a witness to the consequent subtle change in my behavior. To everyone else, I’m the same old Syeda Wajiha Maryam. And I get that. I think the image we form of a person early on in life, in school, or wherever leaves a lasting impression that’s virtually impossible to shake. I still think of some people from school as snobby rich kids who had trouble cramming for exams on account of their hip, jean-clad moms having the deck on too loud. (I mean, really?) And they thought of me as the weird uptight moulvi hijabi who spent all her time studying.

I guess that means we’re even, huh.

This is why it was an immense relief to graduate from school. So I could shed that image once and for all, and find people who’d want to know the real me and help me achieve self-actualization etc. And even though I have nostalgic moments where I go through random school memories the rest of my classmates have probably forgotten about, I wouldn’t want to go back there ever again. I look back at that time as the closest to happy-go-lucky I ever got. It was fun. I had a good time, and isn’t that what high school is supposed to be about? Even if you never see your friends again or have a major falling out with them in the future, none of it matters because at that moment, you were happy, your friends made you happy.
But we’ve all gotta grow up someday.

 It’s funny when I think about how supremely self-confident I was back then, how I was so sure where my loyalties should lie. It’s funny because all that happened afterwards was the last thing I expected. That the people I was closest to ended up breaking my heart again and again…how could I have known things would get so out of hand? But like I said, now it’s not as tragic as it is funny. You win some, you lose some. And although in my case, I mainly lost, I fully believe that it truly was for the best. I had some very special times with these people, and I am grateful to Allah SWT for bringing them into my life because they made me the person I am today. I learned more about myself from the mistakes I made with them than I would have on my own. They brought out this raw, coarse side of me, which I eventually realized I’d do better to suppress because it only ended up hurting me and the people I loved most. I’m more myself now than I ever was with them. And I like the new me. People come into your life for a reason, and they leave for a reason too.  

Something else I learned this year is that evil, like happiness, doesn't knock on your door with a cavalcade trumpeting its arrival either. As seemingly obvious as that is, I dunno, I never really understood it until now. Maybe that's because (and I know this makes me sound a bit like Gandhi) but I've always believed in the inherent good of people, I've always believed that they don't intentionally hurt you, that their circumstances leave them no choice but to treat you a certain way. But I'm now forced to acknowledge that's not always the case. Sometimes, the most ordinary people, the kind you'd trust to always 'do the right thing' let you down in the worst way possible, and it's not because they have no choice, but simply because they don't care and are too selfish to do the right thing. But even then, I believe we should find it in ourselves to forgive and let go, and do right by them each time they do you wrong. That's certainly what Islam teaches us. There is something appealing about taking the high road, isn't there?